You won't read this, but I blame you

Mia. I blame you for quite a significant chunk of my adult 'issues'.

You were one of J's friends. Which meant that you were probably pretty fucked up yourself. I think we were both 16 when we met, but where I was shy and very naive, you were outrageous and already world-weary and experienced in all manner of sex and drugs and rock'n'roll related things. I'm fairly sure you'd slept with J. I know for a fact you'd slept with most of the other people in his group of friends, boys and girls alike.

I just want to tell you, Mia, that I don't know why J picked me up. I honestly don't know. No one was more baffled that he liked me than I was, believe me. But he did and it wasn't MY fault that he was spending time with me and not you. You weren't even interested until he turned you down. Then I guess it got personal.

It sounds strange, but I genuinely didn't notice how bitchy you were to me at first. All of J's friends were strange and confusing for me. You all lived such vastly different lives from mine, were all so much OLDER than me, even the ones who were younger, that a few sarcastic comments just passed me by. Then you changed tack. I can see that now, but at the time, i honestly thought you were trying to make friends.

I was very confused back then. I was incredibly innocent, for a teenager. And acutely aware of how fat and unattractive I was. But at the same time, the internet had given me a pretty thorough sex education and i knew a lot more about some things than I probably should have. Never as much as you though. I had a transvestite boyfriend. That in itself was worth a world of coolpoints, had i had the guts to tell anyone at the time. I was too afraid of losing him and being another of those girls who're labelled a slag or a whiner after they've been dumped at school. On the other hand, my boyfriend was in himself very confused, and while we messed around a lot, we never actually slept together.

Did you know that, Mia? You spent so much time being jealous that J was shagging me and not you, but did you ever find out that we'd never shagged at all? I'll always hate that you'd fucked him and I never got the chance. I'll always hate that I said no, thinking we had plenty of time for all of that.

Anyway. The big thing. You, Mia. You are one of the big causes of my crippling shyness around people today. Because it was you, you fucking cunt of a person, who was the first to actively set me up for ridicule. It's happened since and it'll probably happen again, but you were the first and I hate you for that.

Okay, so I was young and trusting and innocent. And yes, I was also fat and uncool and I didn't have any gothy or alternative clothes and mostly just lived in jeans and logo tops from Etam while you and all your friends looked like something out of a marilyn manson video. And yeah, i'd never done any drug harder than alcohol or more illegal than weed. But did i really deserve what you did to me?

I told you I didn't remember it because i had no other way of coping with what happened. But I remember all of it. You bought me a drink, which should have been a warning light in itself but i thought you were trying to be nice. And then when i was too fucked up to move or respond you took my jeans off me and sat there and laughed at me in front of all the other fucked up people in the room. I remember that it was dark but not dark enough. And i so desperately wanted to close my legs and run away, but i couldn't even let go of the table leg. I couldn't open my mouth.

Every moment of that night is seared into my brain forever. I can still see J right across the room, chatting with the two teenage boys that i never knew were prostitutes until years later when certain things finally clicked into place. And i remember you whispering stuff at me while you shoved things into me. and that other girl watching. and the filthy old man who always sat in the corner. Just watching. and you all laughing at the fat girl who thought she could come into your world of beautiful, fucked up people.

J got me dressed again. and got me home. and even apologised for you spiking my drink. but he never apologised for what you did. i asked him why he let it happen once, and he just shrugged and said you were like that. Did you know that? It gives me the creeps now. And even though i was devastated at the time, i think that J's car crash was the best thing that could have happened. Not only did it get rid of his horrible influence on my life, but it also meant that once and for all, you and every one of his friends were cut off from me.

I know you blame me for killing him, Mia. But he was going to destroy himself one way or another anyway. And I blame you for killing the person i could have been.

Without you, I would never had heard that ringing laughter. and i would never have developed such a strong suspicion of anyone who's ever nice to me. and i wouldn't have become so cripplingly shy and conservative that i run away from almost every relationship the moment it became intimate. I hate that you destroyed my life and you LAUGHED.

I hate you Mia. There are very few people on the planet I hate, but you are right up there near the top of the list.

I keep an eye on the local newspapers in you area, Mia. And hope that one day i'll see your name in the obituaries. That's the only satisfaction you could ever give me.