You won't read this, but I really miss you. [Part 1]

A] You were my first online friend ever. I was about 13 years old, perhaps a little older, and you were about the same and we met on the John5 fansite messageboard. We chatted on the board for a while, then started PMing, then eventually you convinced me to download MSN. Yes, my internet addiction is entirely your fault.

We were such good friends, I mean, as much as two teenagers full of fear about intarwebb pervs can be. And then things changed, J5 moved on to new things, both of us left school and followed different paths through college and we just drifted apart. It happens, it's normal and I'm not hugely sad about it, but I just wanted you to know that I still think about you occasionally, and I wonder how you're doing these days. I miss you.



B] You were one of the first friends I made at uni. I still remember the actual physical shock I felt when you airily denied that you were gay even though to me it was shockingly obvious. It was like you'd just stated you were a duck, instead of a human. I just stammered an apology and carried on, but it did confuse me a bit. I'd never really met someone in the closet before. People who were discreet, yeah, but never someone in denial.

Anyways, you took me to bridge club and I took you to LGBTA. I realise now that you only took me to bridge club for an excuse to come along to the gaybar with me, but that's fine, bridge was fun. Mind you, LGBTA was funner. You took me for a walk along the riverbank. It was dark and there was a beautiful crescent moon and I remember thinking that you were either going to come on to me, or come out to me. Of course, it was the latter. It always is! You hands were literally shaking as you pulled on your cigarette and told me. I just shrugged and nodded. I already knew. You gave me a big hug and I had to bite back a sob that yet again, I was the asexual confidante, and not the romantic interest.

It didn't matter though, you were vibrant and fun and you really helped me gain a lot of confidence through that awkward first term at uni. I liked that you were so outgoing, it helped mask my shyness a bit, helped me to not seem so aloof.

When you told me you were leaving, I was genuinely upset. And then when you gave me my goodbye gift, I actually did fill with tears. I'd never been given something that meant so much to someone before. I still have it. I take it out occasionally and think about how wonderful you were to me.

We're still sort of in touch, in a strange facebook-based kind of way. Both of us have moved on and I know that it wouldn't be the same if we met up again now. I do miss you though.



C] We met at college. You were in the year below me, and I clocked you on the first day because you had a beautiful full length purple velvet frock coat that looked fucking fantastic on your skinny body, and you had a backpack covered in AFI lyrics. And those beautiful big blue eyes. I called you AFI-girl, and AFI-girl you remained for weeks, because I could never quite gather up the courage to talk to you. You were so pretty, and cool in a bohemian alternative kind of way, and had such bright strong friends around you. I knew you'd never notice me.

Eventually, you did notice me. It was straight out of a cheap tv show. My friends and I were sat in the corridor during a rainy free period and your friends came and sat on the other side. And I got out my folder, which was covered in AFI pictures and causally waved it around until you noticed. "AFI!" you squealed, and at LAST, I had an excuse to talk to you. I wished you happy Davey's birthday and then we just started talking.

You liked Rachel Stamp. This was amazing. We went to see them together in Cardiff, you me and Steve. I took the last train home, but you and Steve stayed out there all night. I think you snuck into a gay bar or something. I worried about you that night.

Then I left for uni, but managed to get back in touch with you for the AFI tour in 2006. I bought you a ticket for the Birmingham gig and got us a hotel room and everything. You invited that guy back with us, but he was only interested in you. I'd never felt so fat, ugly and repulsive until that night. Lying there, pretending to be asleep while you guys got it on right there in the bed next to me. It was horrendous. Eventually, at about 5am, I got up and left. I sat in the corridor the rest of the night. I couldn't stand it in there any more.

I'm sorry that I was so brusque with you the next day. I'd had no sleep and was still trying to cope with being so horribly rejected and ignored. We've never spoken since I said goodbye at the train station. I think you've changed your number. I never had your email.

I hope that you're okay. I miss you.